The Essence of Life
by kwayland
Summary: A series of one-shots, all Destiel, and all in the world of hunting. Some may be OCC. All the stories are based on a song with lyrics on the bottom. I'll take song recommendations. Trust me, you'll like them just give them a chance. Rated T for language
1. Chapter 1

"Cas!" I bellowed from the window of the Impala while speeding to a stop so I could help his crumpled body to the car. He was lying in sparse grass to the side of the road, his back turned. But I knew it was him from the slight curl of his dark hair at the base of his neck and his trench coat, no matter how dirty. I ran towards him until I could kneel by his side and hear his heart beating.

"Cas," I said again. "Cas!" He wasn't waking up. I would've sworn his heart was beating, but in moments like this how could anyone be sure. Maybe I just really wanted it to be that way. Who knows what the hell Metatron had done to him. "Cas," I whispered. I lifted him into my arms and in a slow procession worthy of a funeral, I carried him back to the Impala where Sam was lying pathetically in the back seat, all energy to even sit up gone.

"Sam," I groaned, my arms growing heavy and wishing I didn't have to make Sam do anything he didn't want to. "I need you to move."

"Dean..."

"Now."

Sam took his sweet time lifting himself up so he could lean on one of the headrests where I laid Cas' body down before lumbering back to the driver's seat so I could drive us all home. Hopefully Cas would wake up when he felt safe. I glanced in my rearview mirror to see Sam slumped against Cas' chest. It would've been comical if I'd felt like laughing.

When we got to our cave, I put Sam's arm around my neck and practically carried him in and set him down on a couch before going back for Cas who was still knocked out or dead. I was no longer sure I could even tell the difference between anything. I just needed some sleep and a nice hot shower. I put Cas on my bed before going to the bathroom, stripping, then standing in the water doing nothing but staring at the blank white wall across from me the water dripping methodically into my eyes. By the end of the night I might have no one. I had no idea what to do.

"Dean," a voice rasped in the near distance. With the water running I couldn't tell if it was Sam or Cas but it didn't make a difference. I wrapped a towel around my waist, secured it, then ran out into my bedroom to see Cas rubbing his temple and grimacing at some unseen pain.

"Cas."

"Dean."

"What happened, man? I saw the angels falling."

"Naomi was telling the truth like you said. I only wish I had listened. But I was simply going up there to ask him whether or not he was telling the truth and before I knew what was happening I was tied to a chair and my grace was being extracted."

"So you're human."

Cas nodded, continuing to grimace. I sat down beside him, water running down my back and on to the bed, and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Are you gonna be okay?"

"Yes," Cas smiled slightly. "I did that right didn't I?"

"What?"

"That was the correct time to lie, yes?"

"Sure, buddy, but now I know different. So maybe you shouldn't go advertising your successes in lying. You don't ever tell the punch line after you lie."

"I supposed as much."

"What hurts?"

"I'm just empty. Not only is my grace gone, but I have disgraced my entire people, literally, " I chortled lightly, "And I am incapable of regaining anybody's trust despite my many desperate attempts. It sucks."

"Good word to add in your vocabulary."

"Yes, I thought so too." He rested his head on my shoulder, I assumed in exhaustion, and whispered, "I have to fix this." Then with a vengeance and new found strength, Cas rose and began racing around my room grabbing a pair of my clothes, a gun from my dresser, and they keys to my baby.

"Do you mind?" he asked, keys jangling.

"God damn it, Cas. Of course I do. Where the hell do you think you're going?"

"I have to fix this, before my own kind kill me and before the trail runs cold."

"There's always tomorrow, Cas. We all need sleep."

"I wasn't intending on you coming with me."

"Do you even know how to drive a fucking car? Because if one scratch gets on my baby I will kill you myself and the whole trip would have been for nothing."

"It's not just for me, it's for..."

"I know. But let's go back to every single time you've tried to do something selfless for someone. It only worked once and barely. Besides, you aren't going anywhere without me. You're not invincible anymore."

"I can take care of myself, Dean," Cas said tenaciously.

"No you can't," I bellowed, throwing my hands in the air. "All that nerd-angel strength and speed and being able to disappear at whim, yeah all of that, is gone. How do you even know you can control your own body, because it isn't a vessel anymore, Cas. It's your body. Yours. Not to mention, you don't have any serious training in the handling of a gun, or any weapon for that matter besides a extremely long and impractical knife."

"I probably won't even find anything, Dean. Really, you don't need to worry," and before I could say anything else Cas darted out of the room and down the hallway, making for the door. I was right behind him and I caught up with him just as he was about to close the door of the Impala.

"You have to stop disappearing on me. You want me to trust you again? Give me a chance, Cas. Stop running off. You're my friend and I want you around because I want to fix what's broken between us, more than anything. If you leave right now, you can't ever come back Cas, because I'm tired of waiting."

"For what?" Cas whispered in shock. I took a deep breath and looked away, one hundred percent sure I wouldn't be able to say what I needed to say. My dad had never been there for me, there were times Sam hadn't either, and times when Cas had done the same. The difference was Cas didn't understand that it hurt when he shut me out and maybe I could let him know but it just wasn't me. I didn't want to spill my guts out to a guy. I know he wouldn't care and we wouldn't ever be measuring penises, which I wouldn't have after this speech, but I didn't know the words to tell him that I cared. Not just about him but his issues. There were raindrops hitting my already wet hair and torso as the towel was starting to slide down my hips leaving it very low slung. It was so ridiculous I was ready to walk inside and let him fuck up for the billionth time, when I noticed my heart racing and tears welling in my eyes. It was an all to familiar feeling. I was going to lose him. I just knew it, and that sure as hell wasn't going to happen.

"For you to get it! You're not just the angel who saved my life, helped me not become some stupid vessel, saved my brother's life, then released the Leviathan. Through all of that you were my best friend. I depended on you, trusted you, stuck with you every moment despite every fucking instinct in my body screaming against it. And you know why? Because I need you. I don't just say that to get you to shut up and move or to prevent you from killing me, I say that because I do. Just as much or maybe even more than I need Sam. And right now, I need you to stay. I need you to be alive and I need you to trust me. There will still be a trail tomorrow when we wake up. There will still be evil sons of bitches we can gank. There will still be you and me as a team and we can go get them together. Because I want to do that for you and with you. Okay? Now get out of that goddamned car and back in the house before I drag you."

Cas shakily stood and placed they keys in my hand. "Dean, I am sorry, I did not know..."

"I know. I don't get how you didn't, but I know."

"I need you to, you know," Cas said to his feet, as he shuffled in front of me.

"Of course you do, idiot," I conversed nonchalantly swinging my arm up around his shoulder. "I'm the one giving you shelter and food which for once you actually need."

Cas opened his mouth as if he was about to say something and then shut it, thinking better of whatever words were going to come spilling out of his mouth. That hadn't been what he meant. I could see it in his eyes, and I knew that. But I couldn't bring myself to reach girl status. That didn't mean he wasn't.

"Dean, you're my family. You and Sam. My only family. And with you it's the closest I've ever been with anyone. You aren't just someone who I use when I need too. I bet you feel like that's the case because you're you and who could ever care about you, but I do. You were the reason I did everything I ever did. And maybe you hate that about me but I don't. I don't regret a single moment I saved your life or that I was in the process of doing so, because if I hadn't there was a chance you would be dead and I wouldn't have you. That was never an option. So when I say I need you it has nothing to do with some goddamned food."

I stopped walking, realizing in that moment that was all I needed to hear. I remembered why I'd trusted him before and understood that I'd never stopped because I unconsciously knew what he had just told me. I had just needed to hear it, because Cas was right. I couldn't ever believe that someone did everything for me. It was preposterous. But here was a man saying that had been his life for years now and I wasn't giving him due credit. I laughed happily and ruffled Cas' hair. "I'm glad, man. I could really use a burger, how about you?"

"I can make my own hamburger."

"Sure you can."

"I can."

"No you can't. Well, you sure as hell aren't making mine. Wouldn't want to tempt fate again no would we?"

"I stayed, Dean."

"Thank you."

Stay-Hurts

My whole life waiting for the right time

To tell you how I feel.

Know I try to tell you that I need you.

Here I am without you.

I feel so lost but what can I do?

'Cause I know this love seems real

But I don't know how to feel.

We say goodbye in the pouring rain

And I break down as you walk away.

Stay, stay.

'Cause all my life I've felt this way

But I could never find the words to say

Stay, stay.

Alright, everything is alright

Since you came along

And before you

I had nowhere to run to

Nothing to hold on to

I came so close to giving it up.

And I wonder if you know

How it feels to let you go?

You say goodbye in the pouring rain

And I break down as you walk away.

Stay, stay.

'Cause all my life I've felt this way

But I could never find the words to say

Stay, stay.

So change your mind

And say you're mine.

Don't leave tonight

Stay.

Say goodbye in the pouring rain

And I break down as you walk away.

Stay, stay.

'Cause all my life I've felt this way

But I could never find the words to say

Stay, stay.

Stay with me, stay with me,

Stay with me, stay with me,

Stay, stay, stay, stay with me.


	2. Chapter 2

"Cas," a voice shattered through my dreams and I felt a brush of warmth against my cheek, "It's time to get up, buddy. You've been asleep most of the day."

My eyes fluttered open to Dean's green ones and I grinned lazily, overwhelmed simply by his presence and the small smile spreading across his face. He set down a cup of something on the bedside table, stirred in the sugar packet he had in his left hand, and handed it to me.

"Sam said you drank like five of these yesterday. I thought you might like some."

"Thank you, Dean," I said, grasping the cup's handle and inhaling the aromatic fumes of the tea. I took a sip and brought the cup to my chest so maybe I could soak in the warmth that had escaped as I'd sat up and my blankets slid away. Ever since I'd become human, warmth had become a bigger issue than usual, especially in the Bat Cave of cement.

Dean sat down on the bed beside my feet and massaged them gently through the blankets. I almost choked on my tea at the contact that wasn't actually contact and coughed out, "Why are you being so nice?"

Dean grimaced and shrugged the question away. I would've argued with him but he looked so exposed and innocent that I couldn't bring myself to do so. We tended to argue too much. Not verbally, but through back-turned glares and eye-rolling annoyance.

"Truth is," he murmured, "You're gonna have to get that tattoo we talked about. I can't have you being possessed by a demon."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"It's gonna hurt like hell. I'm not gonna sugar coat it for you."

I nodded and glanced down at the steaming liquid in my hands. "Today?"

"Better today than tomorrow."

"Let me up," I sighed, setting the tea down. The blankets fell away, leaving me just in my boxers and Dean blushed slightly before casually looking away.

"I'll leave you to get dressed. Me and Sam'll be outside in the library waiting for you."

I nodded and watched Dean saunter out the door, his back muscles rippling against his shirt. I loved the way he walked, like he owned the world. Especially when you knew he barely thought he should be a part of it in the first place.

I threw on my usual attire that I now washed every other day, despite Dean's many attempts to get me to go shopping or at least wear his clothes. I still wasn't sure where I belonged but I knew that these clothes were a part of me and as far as I was concerned I wasn't giving them up any time soon. I strolled out after giving my hair a few parting fingers and saw Sam and Dean waiting. They didn't say a word but Dean opened the door holding it open for me as Sam sat down at a table and began skimming through a book.

"Sam isn't coming with us?" I asked, glancing back as I walked through the door.

"Nope. He wanted to continue working through that text. Besides, he doesn't think it needs to be a two man job."

I groaned internally, wishing it was Sam instead of Dean who opted into this venture. As much as I cared about Dean I didn't need him to see me in pain, let alone start asking questions about the second part of the tattoo I was asking for.

We slid into his Impala, Dean gunned the engine, set up some Led Zeppelin and we were off towards the nearest tattoo parlor that wasn't shady

I was set up right away when we entered and Dean slipped off his shirt when the tattoo guy asked what I was getting. We both widened our eyes in shock at Dean's stripping and the artist gave me a "who is this guy?" look. I shook my head, my mouth flopped open, enjoying the view. If only I could run my finger all the way from his collar bone to his belly button. Dean pointed at the pentacle on the inside of his shoulder. The artist peered at it for a moment as Dean lectured him on how exact it needed to be and the artist nodded. He asked me to remove my shirt, which I did, and offered his hand.

"I'm Tom. I'll be treating ya today."

"Cas."

We shook hands and then Tom directed Dean to a stool on the other side of the lounge which Dean took, gazing into my eyes, willing me to remain calm. Every once and a while his eyes would travel down my chest before flitting up quickly as though he had gotten distracted. I smiled at the prospect.

"What?" Dean asked.

"Nothing."

Tom bent down and got to work. I could smell the shampoo he used, which was a relief because I hadn't been sure he used any in the first place. It was a dull, throbbing pain that didn't bug me that much. I'd been through much worse. That was until I actually felt it and then it seared through every part of my body. So much so, I couldn't tell for sure what part of my body was receiving the permanent mark. I clenched my fists and gritted my teeth my muscles tightening. Tom told me to relax and Dean looked terrified. Like he wanted to lift me in his arms and sprint us both out of there as soon as possible before I was in any more pain. Instead, he held out his hand and pointedly stared down at mine until I gripped his, hard. Dean didn't complain once, even though my nails must have been digging down into his skin.

"Alright," said Tom after what felt like a couple hundred years, "Anything else for you, Cas?"

I thought about saying no, not wanting to keep sitting through more of this torture but I nodded, disentangled my hand from Dean's who was massively confused, and grabbed a piece of paper from my pocket. I handed it over and asked him to copy those symbols underneath the pentacle. Tom nodded and started working.

"What is that?" Dean whispered.

"I'll tell you later." It was mostly so I could come up with a story, a lie, of what it was because I wasn't sure he was prepared to hear the truth. I was getting it tattooed on my body so I knew I was ready to say it, I just wasn't sure he would listen. I reached for Dean's hand again, who greeted it graciously, and held on for dear life. Tom finished a little bit quicker and I threw on my shirt and was out of there after Tom gave a quick spiel about care and what to do if it looked infected. Dean held my hand the entire time until we were out of the store. He leaned up against the Impala as I was about to get into the passenger side and gripped my shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

"It's just pain, Dean. I will be fine. Trust me, I've been through worse. We all have."

Dean didn't have anything to say to that so he got into the car and drove us home. We didn't talk much, just exchanged some small talk about the weather, until we we got to the cave and he'd put the car in park.

"So what's the tattoo, Cas?"

"It's enochian. So I can remember where I came from."

Dean nodded, and then lit up with a thought, "What's it say?"

I shook my head and got out of the car, Dean close behind. I wanted to be in the safety of Sam's presence so I would have an excuse to not say a word. But Dean had caught up fast enough to grip my arm and spin me around, his face inches from mine.

"Come on, man. How bad could it possibly be? Why won't you tell me?"

"It's your name, Dean, okay?" I huffed, jerking my arm away and going into the cave, leaving Dean paralyzed outside.

"Where's Dean?" Sam asked.

"Outside. I think he's in shock."

"From what?"

"Ask him," I grumbled and went to one of the extra bedrooms where there was a t.v. and pushed in about the only movie we owned, Shrek. It had been about the only movie Dean had ever seen, so no surprise, it was one of his favorites. He thought it was the funniest thing ever and as he put it he really understood Shrek. I slipped onto the bed and drowned out everything but Donkey and Shrek at Lord Farquad's castle. I'd done such a good job, I didn't even hear the knock on the door, or notice Dean sinking down on the bed beside me. At least until he snaked his arm around my shoulders and pulled me onto his chest. I tried to wriggle away but he held me tight and told me to relax.

"You're not mad?" I whispered.

"Mad?" he chuckled, "Nah. I'm honored," he teased.

I said nothing in reply under the impression that he wasn't taking the matter all that seriously. It was kind of a big deal to tattoo a name on your body. It wasn't ever coming off after all. He noticed my steely silence and bent down in a most likely extremely uncomfortable position, and looked me straight in the eye. "I mean it, Cas. I am honored. Thank you."

"You are welcome." I relaxed into his embrace and cuddled into his body heat. As though he was reading my mind he pulled a blanket folded out at the end of the bed and spread it out over us. Dean started watching the movie and I focused my attention to him. It was as though he was fifteen years old. His eyes had regained a brightness that he'd lost years and years ago. He was alive. His laughs echoed through the room and I couldn't avert my eyes from his many changing expressions. He was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

"Watching the movie, Cas?" he teased.

"Yes. It's even better through your eyes."

Dean said nothing but sunk down to my level to continue watching the movie. I smiled and could feel myself slipping away into sleep. It was like I was hypnotized. Dean must've seen my eyes close shut because he moved up flush against me and kissed my forehead, his eyelashes flitting across my skin. "You're incredible," he said. I smiled and tried extremely hard to regain consciousness. I was missing the best day I'd ever had. He pushed my shirt aside and fingered the enochian symbols.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" I yawned.

"What?"

"Your name. You."

Wake Me Up-Ed Sheeran

I should ink my skin, with your name.

And take my passport out again,

and just replace it.

See I could do without a tan on my left hand,

where my fourth finger meets my knuckle.

And I should run you a hot bath, fill it up with bubbles.

'Cause maybe you're loveable,

and maybe you're my snowflake,

and your eyes turn from green to grey,

in the winter I'll hold you in a cold place.

And you should never cut your hair,

'cause I love the way you flick it off your shoulder, (mm)

And you will never know, just how beautiful you are to me,

but maybe I'm just in love when you wake me up.

And would you ever feel guilty? If you did the same to me.

Would you make me a cup of tea, to open my eyes in the right way?

And I know you love shrek, 'cause we've watched it twelve times.

But, maybe you're hoping for a fairy-tale too, and if your DVD breaks today,

You should've got a VCR, 'cause I'll never own the bluray, true say.

And I've always been shit at computer games, and your brother always beats me,

And if I lost, i'd go all cross and chuck all the controllers at the tv, and then you'd laugh at me,

and be asking me, if I'm going to be home next week,

and then you'd lie with me, 'till I fall asleep,

and flutter an eyelash on my cheek, between the sheets.

And you will never know, just how beautiful you are to me,

but maybe I'm just in love when you wake me up.

And I think you hate the smell of smoke,

you always try get me to stop,

You drink as much as me, and I get drunk alot,

So I take you to the beach, and walk along the sand,

And I'll make you a heart pendant, with a pebble held in my hand.

And I'll carve it like a necklace, so the heart falls where your chest is,

And now a piece of me, is a piece of the beach, and it falls just where it needs to be, and rests peacefully.

You just need to breathe, to feel my heart against yours now, against yours now.

But maybe I'm just in love when you wake me up.

Well maybe I'm just in love when you wake me up,

I said maybe I fell in love, when you woke me up.


	3. Chapter 3

*This doesn't take part in the actual timeframe of Supernatural. Cas is an angel. It's some time after Season 8 and everything is forgiven on both sides.*

"I'm gonna go get some grub. Want anything in particular, Sammy?"

"Nah. Just some cold beer would do me good."

"Already on my list."

"I figured."

I grinned cheekily at him before turning and exiting the bat cave, keys in hand. I gunned up my car and drove to the nearest supermarket and bought some pie, a six-pack of beer, and a bag of chips. I'd really just gone for the beer, but since I was here...

I got back in the car, the groceries loaded in the backseat, and was home in minutes. Home. That sounded great. I glanced up at the sky on my way in and noticed there were stars. I was aware that there had always been stars in the sky but I'd never bothered to actually see them. Ah, the perks of being a hunter.

"Guess what, Sammy? There's stars!" I said when I came back in, setting the plastic bag on the table. Sam grabbed a bottle, unscrewed the cap and took a swig before turning his attention to me.

"No shit, Dean. It's night time."

"I think I'll go do some stargazing."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm having a moment of nostalgia, okay? Shut up and give me a break."

"Nostalgia for what?" Sam asked, confused on how stars had anything to do with my past. Our past.

"The life we never got to have. It's kind of like the Grand Canyon thing."

"Whatever. I'll just be in here. Reading. Taking notes. Doing all the hard work!" Sam yelled to my retreating back.

I stepped out into the prickly night air, treaded through the small patch of woods by our cave and came out in a pastureish sort of thing. There was hardly any grass and definitely not any cows or anything, but it was a really large space of dirt sprinkled with green. I laid down, crossing my legs, putting my hands behind my head, and looked at the stars. They were pretty, I suppose, but I was already regretting my rash decision. It was kind of a girly thing to do and I had no one to share it with. Plus, I hadn't been missing all that much.

I heard a ruffle of clothing and a disturbance of air, and I swiveled my head around as far as it would go to see the edges of Cas' trench coat billowing to the side from his sudden arrival. I turned back to the sky and patted the ground next to me. "Lay down with me."

I could feel Cas pausing, and I sat up briefly so I could judge him better. He was alarmed and having a very similar reaction to Sam.

"Just lay down, dammit," I growled, returning to my previous position. Cas continued to pause for a minute before he slowly sunk to the ground about a foot from me and after an eternity, reached a reclining position.

"Finally, Jesus. It's like you're the mistake love child of a slug and a three-toed sloth."

"I would move much slower, Dean, if that were the case."

I chuckled and punched him in the shoulder. "I miss you when you're gone, you know. There's nobody who takes me quite so seriously as you do."

"I'm learning."

"Yeah," I laughed, "At the pace of a love child between a slug and a three..." I trailed off as Cas began throwing punches and playful slaps. I curled up in a ball, laughing unbearably hard. "Truce, truce!" I yelled.

Cas relaxed a small laugh escaping him and I gazed up at the stars while listening to his rapid breathing. I listened until it slowed to it's normal pace. My heart beat matched the rate at which he was breathing.

"How was your vacation in heaven?"

"Miserable," Cas groaned. "Everyone hates me. Apparently they kind of always did but now I know about it. They are making it very obvious."

"You did make them fall," I pointed out, unhelpfully.

"Yes, thank you Dean. I am aware. But I also ensured them getting their grace back. I just don't understand how everything I am so sure is the right thing to do ends up being the exact opposite. It's exhausting. Nobody would look me in the eye or listen to what I had to say. So I left. And I didn't even try that hard. It doesn't feel right."

"They probably don't want your help fixing what's broken. For once, maybe you should let them try by themselves. So, yeah, they don't really know how to exercise free will but maybe in this situation that isn't such a bad thing. They tried it your way, Cas."

"Except that wasn't my way. That was war. That was completely different."

"They don't think so. Trust me."

"Because you don't think so," Cas murmured.

"You're wrong. I realize what you were trying to do now, I just don't agree with how you did it. But we moved on from that. Anything else happen?"

"I went around and visited some heavens to make myself feel better. I visited Bobby," Cas stated cautiously.

I turned from the sky and stared at Cas, "You did? What did he have to say? Is he alright? What's his heaven even look like? God, I can't imagine how much booze he must be consuming."

"Not much. He misses you boys but he's got his wife back and he's fixing up cars and he knows he doesn't have to worry about the job, just living the life he wants to. People are almost always happy up there, Dean. Bobby is no exception."

"Any messages to deliver?"

"No. He said everyone involved would grow lady parts if he told you what he wanted to say. I translated that as an I love you if you really must know."

"Too much information, Cas."

"Are you going to tell me what you're doing out here?" Cas asked.

"I just realized I'd missed the part of childhood where you look at stars so I made it my mission to fix that but to be honest it isn't all that great."

"They're beautiful."

"Yeah, I suppose."

We both ceased talking, letting the outside overwhelm us and consume us for a time. Cas scooted closer and pointed out constellations in the sky and began to tell stories of how they were named and discovered. I listened passively just enjoying the sound of his voice. Enjoying the fact that we were lying here together. That I trusted him, he trusted me, and that everything was behind us. It hearkened back to the days of team free will except we knew each other twenty times better. And it was as though I was watching a movie of my life and I understood exactly what the character was thinking. We'd been through so much and there hadn't been a single moment where I was actually going to give up on him and there wasn't a moment where he ever gave up on me either. We were the greatest story ever told because I knew then this would never change. We'd seen too much, been through thick and thin together, lied to each other too much to go back to the times of thin. It would always be thick from this point forward. And success after turmoil makes the best stories. I loved him. I'd only realized that today while thinking of him and the stars. They were so closely connected. It was probably what brought him here. Not that it mattered. I wasn't ever going to tell him a word of what I just thought, and I wouldn't need to because he'd probably never stop talking about the goddamned constellations.

I waited until he was about to move on to a new one when I interrupted. "Thanks, Cas. The history lesson was great, but to be honest I don't really give a fuck."

"I know. I just like imparting information of the universe to humans. I think I'm hardwired to enjoy feeling superior. One of my faults I'm afraid."

Instead of relaying my own information of a more personal matter in which Cas was completely clueless (we each had our own expertise) I pulled his hand down from the sky and held it tight in mine. Cas didn't argue, just let it be, and for that I was grateful.

"I'm glad your here, Cas."

"Thank you. You don't know what that means to me."

"I do," I stated simply, pulsing his hand gently. I rubbed circles in his palm and Cas smiled at me. Unfortunately for him, hand holding and long stares weren't really my thing so I released my hand from his and flipped over so I was straddling his lap. Cas all of a sudden was in some sort of paralyzing coma shock thing and was incapable of moving a muscle. I placed my hand on his stomach before curling my hand into a spider and began tickling him furiously. He laughed without sound and brought his hands to whatever he could reach on my body tickling as well. It didn't take long before we were rolling together in a mass kicking and throwing punches that ended in tickles. We broke off after we couldn't breath and panted up at the sky, our breaths mingling.

"I do not think I have ever experienced that before," Cas said between breaths. "It's irritating. I don't understand why anybody would ever take part in that."

"Because it's fun, Cas. People do lots of stupid things to have fun."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Skydiving? Does it matter?"

"I suppose not. Don't you think maybe Sam is worried about you?" he murmured after a pause.

"Why don't you just shut up and forget the world for a while Cas. It isn't going anywhere. And if it does, we'll be ready. You can zap me anywhere. But right now, it's just us and the sky. That's it. There is nothing else even on this planet. Repeat after me."

"There is nothing else on this planet but us and the sky."

"Good."

"I love you."

My breath hitched without permission and I couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes. It was almost like I had to collect myself which was stupid because I already knew how he felt about me. That had been a part of my epiphany. That Cas had loved me for eons. It was the only explanation for all his actions in the past. "I know," I whispered to him in the dark, turning to his eyes. I could barely make them out, they were so similar in color to the sky alight with stars. "And I love you." That wasn't nearly the right words to describe how perfect Cas was and how amazing he'd been just now so I pulled Cas close to me and just let all of my thoughts sink into the ground, following my own advice. There was nothing else in the world but us. And for the first and most likely last time in my life, I believed it. This was my heaven.

Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol

We'll do it all

Everything

On our own

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

Those three words

Are said too much

They're not enough

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden

That's bursting into life

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden

That's bursting into life

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes

They're all I can see

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things

Will never change for us at all

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?


	4. Chapter 4

"So this is it. E.T. goes home," Dean mumbled taking a swig of beer. I glanced over at him wishing I could do anything but nod, anything to reassure the pain from his face. I realized I hadn't been there for him when he needed me and now he wasn't ever going to see him again. I was probably his only friend and he couldn't even depend on me. It wasn't fair. His life wasn't fair. I sipped from the beer bottle myself and laid my hands on the bar table. The least I could do was try and make Dean feel better. Humans as far as I could tell responded well to good memories, so I shared my best one with Dean.

"Do you remember when I went on that hunting trip with you and I had to dress up as the F.B.I.?"  
"Oh hell yes," Dean laughed, "You showed your badge upside down and then you started talking about demons and angels to the police officer. I was so pissed. Oh man..." Dean trailed off. "Oh god, that was the day you were so sure you were going to get smote by Raphael, so I took you to that stripper place to get you laid. Still a virgin aren't you?"

I nodded.

Dean chuckled while shaking his head, "If only we had more time. I would make that happen. I don't suppose you're going to get any action up in heaven?"

"No Dean. That would be blasphemous."

"Angels are no fun."

"By definition," I stated simply.

"And that stripper's name was Chastity. Jesus, that was ridiculous and then you talked about her father and we were so busted we had to run out of there. That might have been the greatest day of my life. I hadn't ever had that much fun with anyone, not even Sam. I remember that."

"That was a good day."

"Do you remember when you were watching porn and then started talking about it? Which, now that I think of it, we shouldn't even be talking about but I was so fucking disturbed but when I saw the way Sam was taking it I just thought it was hilarious. Not that I would've ever brought that up. You were such a baby. A baby in a trench coat."

"I still resent that comment."

"Doesn't make it any less true."

"It probably didn't help much that I didn't realize what I was watching. Only now I understand that they didn't even actually love each other."

Dean laughed struck by another memory, "Haha, and then when Meg kissed you you fucking attacked her. I remember thinking there was something seriously wrong with you until you said you learned it from the pizza man. There's nothing wrong with wanting to try it out but I remember being horrified that you of all people were willing to test it with Meg, a demon."

"I'm very fond of that memory," I shot back, displeased that Dean seemed to have found it humorous.

"Of course it is! When else have you ever kissed a girl like that?"

"Remember the day we met?"

"Yep. You were such a hard ass for a while there. I absolutely hated you to be honest. You were similar to a robot, had no desire to help us, and yet you kept interrupting our lives. There was a good long while I'd wished more than anything that that knife I'd stabbed into you would've done the job. Did that hurt by the way?"

"Terribly, actually. But I've always been one for being a little dramatic. It wouldn't have had the same effect if I'd sunk to the floor holding my chest or even whimpering. You would've jumped on that. Instead I had you scared out of your mind which was more of what I was going for."

"I was not scared," Dean insisted.

"To hell with that. You were terrified, at least until I calmed down and just started talking at you. Then were just confused, you didn't understand why some angel would care whether you were alive or dead."

"I still don't."

"I admit at the time my intentions were far from admirable, but I would still do it knowing what I know today because it got me a friend and a sort of freedom I never expected or never even thought existed."

"You know," Dean began, "Even though we've been through some shit and a ton of it had to do with crappy decisions you made I wouldn't change a thing either, I mean unless some serious shit goes down tonight. If Sammy dies, I might not forgive you, but other than that I'm glad you saved me too."

I sighed and leaned on the bar table already mentally exhausted with the thought of Sam dying or really anything going wrong. There were so many opportunities whether I closed heaven or not where it could go wrong. And that was just based on what I knew about Sam's illness which I couldn't even begin to heal. "Thanks for bringing that up," I groaned.

"Sorry," Dean whispered, "I just can't think about anything else. We were having fun, weren't we?"

"Still could."

"Alright, nerd angel, give me one more."

"There was the time when I yelled assbutt at Michael before throwing that hell fire at him."

Dean burst out laughing, splattering a mouth full of beer all over the bar table. The bar tender gave us a intense glare before wetting a towel and swiping up the mess. But Dean hardly noticed, he was still laughing and it got to the point where I could see tears building in his eyes. I laughed some, more at the realization I had no idea what was so funny, and waited for Dean to wipe away the tears and slow into the occasional hiccup of laughter. He sighed and put his hand on my shoulder, "That, my friend, was your finest moment."

"That day was kind of all our finest moments in one. Only that would've got Sam back."

"I sounded so stupid, too when you said that. I was like Assbut? Seriously? Who the fuck even says that, when I should've been trying to come up with a plan besides driving up in my Impala with music banging and hoping to god Sam would just randomly appear."

"That was possibly the worst plan ever invented, I'll admit."

"The world was gonna go up in flames anyways. Who cares?" Dean laughed again and this time I joined in. Just thinking back on how screwed up our lives had been and how even more screwed up they were now, left room for an ironic laughter. I gripped his shoulder and reluctantly stood from the bar table. "I think I see cupid," I said pointing over to a girl who had just hooked up two men, "We're out of time, Dean."

"So I won't ever see you again."

"No," I sighed, not ready to say goodbye. I wasn't ever ready to say goodbye to Dean which is why I never did. Dean reached for my hand and pulled me into a fierce hug similar to ones I'd seen him give Sam. I gripped him hard and maintained the hug until Dean began to pull away. He cleared his throat a bit afterwards and walked with me out of the bar. I started walking towards cupid when he pulled me back for a brief second.

"Can I ask you one last thing in case this is the last moment we ever get to talk?"

"Yeah."

"What was the most painful thing you ever did?"

"Listening to you prayers every single night Dean and not doing anything about it. I kept telling myself I shouldn't care, thanks to Naomi's brainwashing, but I did. And every day when I heard your voice I was paralyzed. Naomi could do nothing to me, like the connection was broken, and I was incapable of following orders. And I would just sit in one of her white chairs, drowning myself in my aching heart and your aching words until I hated myself because it was what I deserved."

"It's not your fault."

"Thank you."

"Wanna know something?"

"Sure Dean."

"I thought it was gonna be taking that archangel on so we could get out. I mean, being killed by an archangel couldn't have been painless."

"It was awful, but I was doing it for you Dean. It could've been much worse because at least I was doing it for the right reasons."

Dean took a deep breath and said, "My most painful memory, besides the times of lost Sam, was realizing I'd let you get away from me. I'd just failed another person I loved because I wasn't paying close enough attention and looking out for you the way I should've been. Just think, we wouldn't be here now if I'd just..."

"It's not your job, Dean. That's a part of free will as I see it. People make mistakes and you have to let them. Promise me Dean that no matter what that you try. You try to find that way to keep surviving and try to get past all the bad stuff that happens because the world is one lucky place to have you in it."

"Shut up and give me another hug, you asshole." Dean pulled me in, ruffled my hair a bit, and then shoved me towards cupid. "Good luck, man."

"And you."

I strolled away and glanced back to see Dean shoot me a smile. It wasn't reassuring, it was frankly kind of depressing but I was pleased he was even making an effort because walking away from each other now just didn't feel right.

"Dean?" I yelled.

"Yeah?"

"Are we good?"

There was a long pause and I was worried it would never feel right, but then I could see him give me a thumbs up and yell back, "Yeah, man. We're good." I smiled, knowing that might be just enough to get me through eternity.

Remember When-Avril Lavigne

Remember when I cried to you a thousand times

I told you everything

You know my feelings

It never crossed my mind

That there would be a time

For us to say goodbye

What a big surprise

But I'm not lost

I'm not gone

I haven't forgot

These feelings I can't shake no more

These feelings are running out the door

I can feel it falling down

And I'm not coming back around

These feelings I can't take no more

This emptiness in the bottom drawer

It's getting harder to pretend

And I'm not coming back around again

Remember when...

I remember when it was together till the end

Now I'm alone again

Where do I begin?

I cried a little bit

You died a little bit

Please say there's no regrets

And say you won't forget

But I'm not lost

I'm not gone

I haven't forgot

These feelings I can't shake no more

These feelings are running out the door

I can feel it falling down

And I'm not coming back around

These feelings I can't take no more

This emptiness in the bottom drawer

It's getting harder to pretend

And I'm not coming back around again

Remember when...

That was then

Now it's the end

I'm not coming back

I can't pretend

Remember When

These feelings I can't shake no more

These feelings are running out the door

I can feel it falling down

And I'm not coming back around

These feelings I can't take no more

This emptiness in the bottom drawer

It's getting harder to pretend

And I'm not coming back around again


	5. Chapter 5

I was flipping through Dad's journal to find out whatever the fuck we were hunting when Sam walked in with a box of donuts and some coffee. He placed them on the table before collapsing in a chair beside me and rubbing his eyes.

"We've been up all night, Dean. This thing, whatever it is, will still be here tomorrow. Seriously, I mean, how much sleep have we gotten this week?"

"Haven't been counting," I mumbled.

"Well it's pretty easy. Since we could do it on our fingers," Sam growled.

"You can go to bed, but I feel fine."

"No you don't."

"Well I will when we save some poor person's life from this thing instead of letting another person die. That's more important than sleep."

"Not if you can't kill it because you have no reflexes, instinct, or strength. It's more likely you'll die or I'll die trying to save you."

"Come on, Sam," I said, glancing up from the book and giving him a patronizing look, "We do this all the time. What's so different now?"

"Nothing. Besides the fact you've been flipping through Dad's journal for over an hour now, haven't said a single thing, or discovered anything and that the last couple of hunts you've just been methodical. Like a serial killer or something. Dude, we'll find Cas. Just give it a rest."

"That's not what I'm looking for."

"It is. You're just pretending to focus on something else, but in reality you're probably sitting here pondering whether it's a good idea or not to hop in your Impala and go on a year long road trip around the entire fucking country until you see Cas sitting on the side of the road with a smile on his face because he knows you found him or whatever. And that's fine. We can do that if it makes you feel better but first you need sleep. I've been counting for you Dean. All week? Seven hours. That averages to an hour of sleep a night."

"I'm sorry, Sam," I shot back, "But Cas is human now. The angels fell and he has no fucking idea how to be human. He can't have normal conversations with people, and he probably doesn't understand how to live without his fancy powers. Him dying would not be all that strange or out of the ordinary and I would really like to avoid that. I'm not letting him down. Not this time."

"Well sitting here thinking about it won't help."

"You're right," I said, nodding. "I shouldn't be sitting here." I grabbed my keys from a bowl beside the entrance and shrugged on my leather jacket. I gave Sammy a wave and said, "Thank you, Sam, for the wonderful advice."

"You can't even drive like that, Dean," Sam shot back.

I ran out of the house and started my baby, backing out at probably close to 20 miles per hour and shot off with Sam waving his arms and shouting something at me. I completely ignored him and went on my way. My phone started ringing right when I got on the main road and I rolled my eyes before bringing it to my ear.

"Don't bother, Sam."

"Dean?" a low gravelly voice questioned over the phone.

"Cas?" I shrieked in surprise. Shriek is the wrong word, too girly, I barked in a fierce attentive tone. "Where are you?"

"Dean," he sighed. "You are mad at Sam?"

"That doesn't matter. Answer my question, man."

"I am not entirely sure, to be honest. A nice man gave me his phone. Everyone else suggested I should find a pay phone but I wasn't sure what that looked like and so I asked about that and they told me so I did find one but they wouldn't let me use it. It needed some form of coin which I didn't have in my possession."

I laughed in relief and rubbed my stubble with my hand, "Oh man. It's so good to hear your voice. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Dean. You are not mad at me?"

"Nah. I was for a while. But then I understood why you didn't trust Naomi. Your life has been so fucked up man. You trust all the wrong people and don't trust all the right people."

"Yes, well, as a good friend once said to me, I'm like a baby in a trench coat."

"That I did. Alright, wanna tell me what this nice man's name is?"

"Steve McQueen."

I rolled my eyes and stifled another laugh. There was a reason I always worried about this guy, I'd just forgotten why. "That's not his name. He was joking. Just say that a friend is trying to find you and his phone number and name would be nice so I could get you through GPS."

"Okay." The phone crackled and I could hear voices in the distance as though I was just under the surface of water and they were in a boat up above. The conversation continued for quite some time and I was reasonably concerned that Cas had scared the man off, but in a couple more minutes Cas' voice came back over the phone.

"971-324-7364 and his name is Charles Winder."

"With a d, not a t?"

"Yes."

"I'm gonna hang up on you now, okay? But hold on to that phone. I'm gonna call Sam and get him to help find you and then I'll be on my way, okay?"

"Yes Dean."

I pressed the end conversation button and said the phone number to myself about a hundred times while driving aimlessly around a bunch or random places because I had no destination before I picked up the phone and called Sam.

"Dean. Come home right now."

"Shut up, mother. Cas called me. I need you to find him through the GPS on this guy's phone. Ready for the number?"

"You know, if you were still home, this wouldn't be a problem. You could do it yourself."

"Sam," I growled. I was going to kill him when I got home. He hadn't been this irritating since he'd had no soul. And that had been a completely different sort of irritating.

"Alright, alright. What's the number?"

"971-324-7364," I recited slowly from memory and smiled when I knew I'd gotten it just right. "And his name is Charles Winder."

"Okay. I'm on it. I'll call you back when I've got something."

"Thanks man."

I hung up and parked in a little diner's parking lot and strolled in to get another cup of coffee and recharge with a slice of pie. The waitress got to me right away, considering no one else was there at 2:30 in the morning, and was very efficient in getting a cup of coffee and some berry pie. I inhaled it before starting on my coffee. My stomach was now pleasantly warm and I waited patiently for the call, sliding into a comfortable position in the booth. I'd just began resting my eyes when the phone rang through my stupor. I started and answered the call.

"So?"

"I turned on both of your GPS's so you can thank me for that later when you're less irritated and I can tell you that you're not far. Just go south on the interstate for like ten minutes then take Exit 5, turn left and it look's like he's outside a lamp shop which will be on the right."

"Thanks Sammy."

"Sure."

I thanked the waitress, leaving her a large tip for humoring me and not being a bitch about it as well as paying for the pie and coffee before hopping into my car and driving off. I was speeding down the interstate pressing the acceleration unnecessarily and unconsciously until I was going 90 without really noticing it. The exit came much quicker than ten minutes and I practically missed it, but I made the left turn at the top and kept my eyes peeled for a man in a trench coat or a lamp shop. I found him first standing with an older man, chatting. I pulled in, tires crunching over gravel and hopped out of the car the second I wrenched the keys out of the ignition. I ran up to Cas and grasped him in a hug.

"I think you're in good hands, young man," the old man said. I could feel Cas waving his hand and I heard the car head off before I pulled away and looked at his face, scanning for injuries.

"A little dirty," I murmured, "But you look good."

"I am very tired, Dean. And my stomach hurts awfully bad."

"Just means your hungry, dude. Let's get you home."

"Home?"

"Yeah. Home. You're living with us and don't argue. I refuse to let you live anywhere else."

"Thank you."

"Stop saying that. It's what friends do."

We drove home in companionable silence. Every once and a while I would glance over at him and smile, convinced if I didn't he would just disappear in a puff of smoke. His eyes were closed and his mouth slack. He must've fallen asleep. It was so peaceful and gentle. I hadn't ever seen him so vulnerable and open, not even when he admitted to me that he had wanted to kill himself. I wanted to caress his face just to see if he was real, but I knew better.

"Hey, buddy," I whispered, shaking him slightly, "We're here."

Cas groggily came to and sat up, rubbing his eyes. I jumped up and helped him out of the car and inside the bat cave where Sam automatically stood and and gave us both hugs.

"Man is it good to see you Cas."

"And you, Sam," he slurred.

"He's kind of tired," I laughed. "I'm gonna take him to the spare room and just get him into bed and then I think I'll turn in."

"See you two in the morning," Sam grinned lazily, giving me a nod of thanks.

I basically carried Cas to the bedroom and laid him down on the bed. I pointed out various features of his room before sitting on the edge next to him and placing a hand on his shoulder. "Do you need something to eat?"

"Will it make the pain go away?"

"Yeah."

"Yes please."

"I will be right back." I ran to the kitchen and pulled out an extra burger left over from last night and piled it with some fresh tomatoes and some Fritos from the bag onto a plate and took it to him. Cas was done in seconds it seemed like and obviously wanted more but I shook my head. "You can have more when you wake up."

"That was quite good," Cas stated. "Did you make it?"  
"I did," I said proudly. I then proceeded to sort of tuck Cas in and shut out his light. "I'll see you in the morning, Cas."

"Dean wait. Stay with me, please. I feel like I'm going to disappear. Like this is all a dream. Don't leave."

"I know what you mean," I whispered before sinking onto the bed beside him. "I won't go anywhere." Cas nodded and rested his head on my heart. I knew I should've flinched away or forced him off but I couldn't find it in me.

"I love the sound of your heart," Cas whispered through the dark.

I smiled and methodically stroked his hair to calm him. I jerked away after a minute shocked at myself and slid off the bed.

"Dean?"

"I can't, I..."

"Dean please. It's okay."

I had a hard time believing that but I laid down next to him once more and let him reposition himself on my chest. I couldn't help my fingers finding their way back to his hair and it wasn't long before I could feel his breath slowing and becoming more heavy and I could shift without stirring him. I seriously considered leaving but I knew he would just wake right back up. But I really should've left, because without my permission my head bent down and kissed Cas on the forehead and then both cheeks before settling down with my arm slung across his body and melting into the bed and sleep.

When I woke, I saw Cas' blue eyes looking into mine. I almost jumped out of bed to start screaming as though I'd woken with a spider on my face but I managed to put a stop on all of my muscles.

"Morning, Dean."

"Hi Cas. How'd you sleep?"

"Quite well." I blushed and turned away from him, feeling friction from his arm that was hugging me around the middle. "Thank you for staying."  
"Yeah, no problem." Cas extended his neck over my body to look in my eyes before he kissed me lightly on the temple.

"Just thought I'd return the favor."

So he remembered. Great, just great.

"I..."

"You don't need to explain yourself. I'm fine pretending it never happened or being realistic and realizing it did. Whatever you prefer. I do care about you Dean."

"I know. Just don't mention anything to Sam."

"Too late," Sam said from the doorway, a large grin on his face. "Not a problem Dean. Let's be real. It was kind of bound to happen." I shoved my face into the pillow before shrugging Cas off and getting out of bed. "I'm gonna go start some breakfast. Change your clothes, Cas and take a shower, you stink."

"Of course." Before Cas could go into the bathroom and Sam would begin his endless teasing I was wracked with a weird feeling that he was going to leave. That he wouldn't be here anymore when I was done making breakfast. I pulled his arm and spun him into a hug. "I don't need to pretend it didn't happen," I whispered, "But I should've left."

"I shouldn't have asked you to stay, but I did. It happened Dean," he whispered in my ear, "And I'm glad it did."

I Should Go-Levi Kreis

Here we are

Isn't it familiar

Haven't had someone to talk to

In such a long time

And it's strange

All we have in common

And your company was just the thing I needed tonight

Somehow I feel I should apologize

Cuz I'm just a little shaken

By what's going on inside

I should go

Before my will gets any weaker

And my eyes begin to linger

Longer than they should

I should go

Before I lose my sense of reason

And this hour holds more meaning

Than it ever could

I should go

I should go

Baby, I should go

It's so hard

Keeping my composure

And pretend I don't see how

Your body curves beneath your clothes

And your laugh

Is pure and unaffected

It frightens me to know so well the place I shouldn't go

I know I gotta take the noble path

Cuz I don't want you to question

The intentions that I have

I should go

Before my will gets any weaker

And my eyes begin to linger

Longer than they should

I should go

Before I lose my sense of reason

And this hour holds more meaning

Than it ever could

I should go

I should go

Baby, I should go

I don't mean to leave you with a trivial excuse

And when you call tomorrow, I'll know what to do

I should go

Before my will gets any weaker

And my eyes begin to linger

Longer than they should

I should go

Before I lose my sense of reason

And this hour holds more meaning

Than it ever could

I should go

I should go Baby, I should go


	6. Chapter 6

*Set after Season 8 as well. Cas is an angel, however, and Dean and Cas have been an established couple for a while.

I strolled out of my bedroom wearing some new jeans Dean had insisted I wear and one of his old shirts. Dean had set a plate of breakfast that I didn't need before he'd gone of on a store run to get some of the basics we were running out of. I sat down next to Sam, who was reading the newspaper, probably scouting for new cases, and I nonchalantly ate the eggs and bacon so I wouldn't hurt Dean's feelings. They didn't taste all that bad either, I just wasn't hungry. Sam completely ignored me, but it was part of a routine that had developed the longer I'd been here. He ignored Dean too when reading the newspaper. He was just a very focused individual.

"Hey, Cas," Sam began, setting the paper down on the table so I could see the print as well, "You said you wanted to do something for Dean, right?"

I blushed. I wasn't entirely used to the fact that Sam knew about our relationship and was completely okay with it. "Yeah."

Sam pointed to an ad for a circus that was nearby in town and shot me a smile. "Dean would love it. You could just apparate him in maybe an hour before it closes. Trust me. Dean loves having the opportunity to be a five year old and he'll like it even more with you since you've never been to one."

I smiled at Sam and nodded. "Thank you. I think I will."

"Good," Sam stated matter of factly. "He needs to get out of the house and focus on something other than hunting for a minute."

"Wait," I paused, thinking back on the conversation, "Apparate?"

"Oh god sorry," Sam laughed, "Charlie just got me started on the Harry Potter series and that's what they call disappearing from one place and appearing in another. Basically what you can do."

I nodded cautiously, still a little confused, and washed my plate off in the sink with soap before drying it and putting back in one of the cupboards. Then I set to work on my plan. First stop, a store in a different state where I knew Dean wouldn't be. I bought some berries and then went back to the bat cave. Sam didn't ask any questions and I mixed together the ingredients for the pie crust and cover as well as the berry compote in the middle before putting the two together in a pie pan and sticking it in the oven. I remembered the first time I did this and it had ended in a complete disaster, but I was kind of an expert now. I loved making pies for Dean.

When the pie was done, I took it out of the oven, set it on a rack on the counter and while it was cooling I took the circus ad that Sam had pointed out and cut it out, leaving a gaping hole in the middle of the paper. I folded it in half, cut Dean a piece of pie, and nestled the paper between the flat part of the pie and the upward ridge of crust. I then placed it on the table with a fork and waited for Dean to come back from showering. Sam had managed to keep him entirely out of the kitchen ever since he'd gotten home.

When Dean walked in, his hair ruffled and still wet, his skin slick with steam, his eyes lit up at my face. I smiled and pulled out a chair for him at the table. He sat, pulling himself in and pulled my head down for a kiss on the cheek.

"This looks great, Cas. Thanks." He grinned ecstatically while slipping a bite of the berry pie in his mouth, before closing his eyes and moaning quietly at the flavors. I blushed for the second time today thinking back to late nights, tangled blankets, panted breaths, and soft skin. "God I love pie." He was almost to the end before he even noticed the little piece of paper tucked up top. It was strange because he usually paid great attention to the little details. He slid the paper out and unfolded it to see the circus ad. He glanced up at me questioningly and with the silent encouragement of Sam I told Dean that I would like to take him tonight.

"Sure. Sounds fun." I bent down and kissed him on the cheek in delight, before Dean playfully shrugged me off and told Sam they should head out. They were hunting a Wendigo and weren't far from having it axed. I wanted to come but after a very long talk with Dean where he tried to convince me someone needed to be home in case Charlie or Kevin came by I conceded. Not because that was a valid point but because it mattered to him that I stayed home, at least for this hunt. So while they were gone I set to work on translating more of the endless texts in this place, recopying what I read into a journal. Sam had been trying to get me to use a computer but I was unfamiliar and more than a little trepidatious of the object. It was tenuous and not particularly exciting but kind of therapeutic like washing dishes or doing laundry.

I heard the door slam upstairs a couple of hours later and I appeared up there to see Dean gripping his side lightly and his arm slung over Sam's shoulder.

"What happened?" I cried, rushing over to Dean's side.

"He just caught some Wendigo. He'll be fine. Promise," Sam said calmly, trying to reassure me. It didn't work.

"Dean, Dean, look at me," I said frantically, my hands clinging to the sides of his face. It didn't take any effort on my part for him to bring his eyes up to mine, the green tinged with pain but were mostly filled with love and frustration.

"I'm fine, Cas. Don't you worry," he grinned. Sam had come back from the bathroom that I hadn't even noticed he'd disappeared to with some alcohol and a needle and thread. He set the bottle in front of Dean with the lid off and Dean took a large swig before tugging his shirt slowly up over his head his stomach rising and falling rapidly as it created friction with his deep cuts. He nodded at Sam when the shirt was all the way off and took another sip of the whiskey. I held out my hands to Sam and eyed him flamingly. "I'll do it," I whispered.

Sam didn't argue and delicately handed the thread and needle over one at a time. I bent down in front of Dean and placed one of my hands on the left side of his chest and with my other hand I began stitching up his side, one painful wince at a time as I imagined the pain Dean must've felt every time the needle bit into him.

"Hey," Dean murmured, his breath hitching slightly as I dug the needle back in, "You look like you're doing worse than me, buddy. I could probably finish it off myself."

"You can't reach," I said stubbornly.

"Hey," Dean repeated, "I can hardly feel it. That's what this is for," he smiled, pointing to the bottle, "I've been through worse and I'm glad your patching me up. I'm happy about it."

I sighed and nodded before rushing carefully through the rest of the procedure before stepping away abruptly and averting my eyes to the ceiling so I wouldn't start crying. I hated hurting Dean. He didn't say a word as he gave me a slap on the shoulder before walking over to the garbage and tossing his bloody shirt. He disappeared for a moment and came back in his usual t-shirt, plaid, and jacket combo. "Let's go to that circus." I approached him and placed a finger on his temple and with a woosh of wind we were in the middle of a bustling crowd, the smell of cotton candy and popcorn, and all sorts of colored tents in various sizes. Dean grinned like a five year old just like Sam said he would and tugged me over to the cotton candy vendor.

"One please," Dean said. I watched intently as the man glanced down at our clasped hands and grinned slyly before twirling and spinning the stick until it was loaded with the pink fluff. Dean grabbed it as he handed over money and bit out of the side, wiping his mouth gently when he pulled away a large mass extending his cheeks. He handed it over to me, nodding, encouraging me to take a bite. I did and an overwhelming flavor of sugar, yes nothing else, blanketed my senses and I wanted to regurgitate it and eat more at the exact time, resulting in a difficult swallow.

"It is..." but I couldn't finish.

"Sweet?"

"Terribly so."

"You didn't like it?" Dean pouted.

"No, it's fine Dean. But it isn't my favorite." I handed it back to him suspecting he would appreciate much more than I ever could and he started right in without further complaint. "You're missing out," he shrugged.

I smiled and pointed out a contortionist tent we could visit but Dean shook his head. "I really don't like the actual circus all that much. I love the atmosphere, the children, the laughing, the running, the smells, but I don't care for the acts. Sure, their cool but once you've seen them you've seen them. I just want to be out here. With you."

"But I haven't seen them, Dean," I whispered.

"Damn, Cas, sorry. I'll take you to my favorite one then." Dean wrapped his hand around mine and we walked together towards a tent titled, 'Illusionist.'

"What do they do?" I asked curiously, tilting my head to the side.

"They perform magic tricks."

"That almost sounds like something you would kill."

"That's exactly why it's my favorite. They can do things that would often lead me to believe hoodoo or something else worth killing over is involve but they aren't. They're simply very good at tricking people. It's amazing because I know I don't have to kill them."

We went into the tent where there was a small stage with a single person on it performing tricks with cards, rings, ribbon, you name it. People were scattered all over the place in chairs, standing, even sitting on the floor right in front of the stage. Dean led me over to a corner where we stood. He was directly behind me his arms around my neck, hugging me from behind, his head on my shoulder as we watched the performance. It was simply incredible. When she was done I clapped enthusiastically and Dean belted out a huge whistle. We left not long after, wanting to beat the crowd flowing out once they had paid their dues to the performer and we walked right into human statues who had been painted gold and bronze and were extremely skilled at appearing as though they weren't even breathing.

"So beautiful," I breathed, lightly touching one of the young woman's faces. She didn't react to my touch and I smiled down at her. As I pulled away she shot me a small smile and Dean gave her a glare at that. "He's taken," he growled.

"Dean!"

"What? She was giving you the 'Hey, how are you? I have an empty tent just waiting to be occupied by two unnaturally attractive people such as ourselves' look. And she's a fucking statue. She should be doing her job instead of trying to hook up with strangers."

"I wouldn't have..."

"Not the point, Cas."

I placed my hands on either side of Dean's face, my hands causing friction between my skin and his light stubble and kissed him on the mouth. Dean grinned lazily and kissed me again before pulling me into a hug. It was manly, of course, because Dean would never be able to find it in him to give a loving hug, but I appreciated it all the same, flush against his body. "I love you, Dean," I whispered into his ear. "There is no need to be jealous."

"I know."

I nodded, pulling away and gripping his hand again. The circus was closing down for the night and we hid behind the tent so we could have it to ourselves when all the performers disappeared for dinner. It took a half hour or so but then they were gone and Dean spun me close and shuffled his feet until we were slowly spinning together, our eyes locked. I could see the multi-colored tents, the remnants of once friendly popcorn now lonely, and traces of plastic glinting off the little remaining light in the sky. It was the perfect location. Dean spun me out and back in, my trench coat whipping around the sides and I clung to his neck my head on his shoulder.

"I'm happy," I murmured.

"Me too. And I can't say that often with the life I've had." At that I apparated us, using Sam's word, just outside of the circus and strung my arm through Dean's. "I thought we could walk home." Dean smiled and we started in the direction towards the bat cave. We were silent the entire way, just enjoying the night air and each other's company. When we got home, Sam was waiting, and he pulled me away from Dean when Dean motioned that he wanted to get some more comfortable clothes on. I'd kind of wanted to help but I couldn't ignore Sam.

"Cas, I just wanted to thank you."

"For what?"

"For fixing everything. It worked this time."

"Yeah. For once," I laughed shortly remembering all my different mistakes whether it be God, the Leviathan, the falling angels, you name it I'd done it wrong.

"He's happy. I can't give him that. I'm just his brother. And I wanted to thank you for making him happy because that's all I've ever wanted for him."

"Well, I'm not going anywhere. Your welcome, Sam, I guess. I didn't really do it for you."

"I know," he shrugged. "That's a good thing."

Dean came back out, slipped his around my waist beneath my trench coat, shoving up my shirt slightly and pulled me flush against him. He kissed me luxuriously on the cheek and lingered inches from my face, smiling.

"That was the greatest night of my life," he whispered.

We used to walk along the street

When the porch lights were shining bright

Before I had somewhere to be

Back when we had all night

And we were happy

I do recall a good while back

We snuck into the circus

You threw your arms around my neck

Back when I deserved it

And we were happy

When it was good baby,

It was good baby

We showed 'um all up

No one could touch the way we

Laughed in the dark

Talking 'bout your daddy's farm

We were gonna buy someday

And we were happy

We used to watch the sun go down

On the boats in the water

That's sorta how I feel right now

And Goodbye's so much harder

'Cause we were happy

When it was good baby,

It was good baby

We showed 'um all up

No one could touch the way we

Laughed in the dark

Talking 'bout your daddy's farm

We were gonna buy someday

And we were happy

Oh, I hate those voices

Telling me I'm not in love anymore

But they don't give me choices

And that's what these tears are for

'Cause we were happy

We Were Happy

When it was good baby,

It was good baby

We showed 'um all up

No one could touch the way we

Laughed in the dark

Talking 'bout your daddy's farm

And you were gonna marry me

When we were happy

Yeah, We were were happy

Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

We Were happy


End file.
